Sad?! Jealous?! Angry?! I'm confused

Things change totally when you started clubbing.

I used to be very proud to say that my bf don't club.

Now I can't say that anymore.

I know you just want to have fun and enjoy yourself.

While you are enjoying am I?

While you are enjoying what am I doing?

Rotting at home staring at the phone waiting for your text.

Tonight clubbing again.

haiz..

Tomorrow you have work.

Yes I remember I promised that I will not stop you from clubbing.

But condition is the next day you have nothing on.

You agree with me too don't you?

Then what's this?

I had told you about this sales for few weeks.

Yet you are dragging the time to go out.

You promised that after my O levels you will bring me out for shopping.

From the reaction I got just now when I tell you about the sales and flea

I can see that you don't feel like going.

I know now everything in your mind is club.

Go which club, what time and whatever.

You no longer bring me out to places where will make me happy.

Now we are always going places where your sister ask you to go and the places you want to go.

If that day ben never tell me about the drinking before you all go club,

I don't think on that day I will be able to see you.

You know I can't club but you go so often like that's your second house.

You know I don't let you club when the next day you had plans.

But you go and just shut my mouth by "I can de, really. I promise you I wouldt drink too much"

I quietly accept your answer doesn't mean that there is nothing wrong.

It's because I does not want to ruin your mood.

Sometimes I know that it's my fault but I just want to see if you will just let go and let me win.

I want to know if you will quarrel with me because of small things.

Why does you always talk to me very nicely when you need help and talk loudly whenever you don't need?

I know you expect more from me, I know you want me to change.

But sometimes can you make the changes?

If I can't hear you properly all the times, other than scolding me and so on

why don't you try to talk slower and clearer?

Can't you?

Your temper is hard to control, I don't want to get scream by you all the times.

I don't want to feel numb of those things.

Because when I feel numb means I would't do anything anymore.

Make me still need you in my life.

Make me can't live without you.

Make me feel like before..

I know time can't rewind and you can't stop clubbing now .

Remember, what you are doing might be the things I will do in future.

I didn't stop you, so don't stop me by that time.

You should know this very well.

I told you many times about this.

This is how I think about relation with people.

How you want people to treat you, then treat the person that way.

Shall stop now, getting tired of typing although many things is still in my mind.

Just dunno what to write, because my mind is so confused now.

Bloody hell brain.

*Hoping you will be back soon, so can go out.

If I have nothing to bye why will I want to go and shop?

True?

nevermind, now your brain only have clubbing.

Talking to myself?

It's normal, because I always do that cause you never listen to what I say. :')

Would't be blogging that soon or never will. Cause house no internet. :(

SAD LIFE!

Can't club!

Can't shop!

Can't tweet!

Can't fb!

Can't online shopping!

Can't webby!

Can'tblog!

Can't get what I want.

Pathetic? I think so too.

Speechless

I'm disappointed with you and myself..

I realize that my words mean nothing to you..

I realize that after 9months and 9days, I still does not have the power to change you..

For you, I had change so much..

But I don't see you changing for me..

Or you did but I didn't realize???

Whatever I say seems to be crap..

I know you always say the things I say is bullshit.

But at least listen to some ah.. :(

I'm already very tired of nagging.

You think I like to nag at you??

I nag at you because I care for you

I care for you therefore I get angry.

I cry because I felt sad when we quarrel..

I restrict you from having much contact with other girls because I scared you might leave me.

I am scared because I love you to much that I can't afford you to leave..

Please dear, realize it and make the effort to change before I really get tired..

Before I really let go everything and don't care about anything please do something..

I get angry when you say you going lan

because I want you to study..

Because you have paper tomorrow.

You know it but you still go lan..

I get angry but that does not seem to change anything..

You said play for awhile, but how long has it been...

Few hours...

That few hours you can use it for studying but you didn't

I hate it when my words seems useless..

Because it does not make me feel like a girlfriend..

I hate it when you shout at me in the morning when I called..

It makes me feel that what I did was not appreciated..

I wants to ignore you and let you sleep and be late.

But I can't bear to do that..

How useless am I?

I have been wondering this for quite sometime..

I just can't fit to be a girlfriend..

I am useless, stupid, blur and also brainless..

Forget it..

Bye~

I'm tired :'(

I'm really tired already..

Tired of hinting you what I want and what I does not like to see you doing..

You never listen to what I say..

Every time you will just use your decision to cover over mine..

Do you know that sometimes I just need you to listen to me..

Can you just let me feel a sense of existing?

I listen to you, I do what you want..

Can you do the same?

I did those because I expect you to do the same to..

I am your girlfriend...

Should't you listen to me sometimes?

I ask you come meet me take your uncle's shoe,

you say I keep ask you meet me, and I should encourage you to study.

I admit that I should't do that.

I know I am wrong..

I apologise, I said sorry..

But why your sis ask you go buy bbq stuff and you just went?

I didn't insist to meet you today because I really want you to have time to study..

I tell you can buy the stuffs on Saturday or Friday after your exam..

But after that what you say?

Cause your sis say buy it today..

Is it because today your sis and her bf free so ask you go buy?

I guess it is, even if is not,

Still think that she is a bit too selfish..

You are preparing for exams yet she ask you to go buy stuffs?

That time also, ask you go play.. -,-"

Both event, I tried to stop you..

I tried to convince you not to go..

But after all, I guess your sister is still at a higher level than me

that her words you can listen and my words are like bullshit..

You know what you should do, but you still listen to your sis..

I really dunno what to say..

I know she is your family member of course I can't win her..

But you also should know what is right and what is wrong right?

Will playing help you get As?

Will buying bbq stuff help you get As?

No right?

I know with my lousy results I have no rights to say you..

But as a girlfriend I should have the basic rights bah???

I get angry, and you just let me be..

Maybe after that, ask me why? Don't like that..

Do you know why am I angry not??

Did you make the effort to change not?

Sorry, I forgotten..

You don't even listen to what I say why will you change when I ask you to do so..

Am I right?

I want you to be sweet and romantic and thoughtful and caring and understanding..

This might be a bit too over, but I just need some from each of it..

Don't have to be perfect in all, but at least get the basic of all..

Nothing much to say already..

Because what I always say is the same..

That is also because you are doing the same thing over and over again.

Just that I did not point out only..

Nights.. Lonely night..

Sleep without you looking again..

Lets see what time I can get into sleep..

Looking back, Wishing you were there. -041211

When i left, I had been looking back a few times..

Wishing that you will run after me, at least bring me to the bus stop..

It's raining, I wore slipper..

I nearly fall, I have no one to grab hold on..

I wore shirt and shorts.

I felt cold, I have no one to hug..

I at least turn back 10times when I was on my way to the bus stop..

From the moment I left the table.. I had already turn back a few times..

The moment when I tell you I going home soon.

You look away.. At that moment I felt ignored..

I left, without a Goodbye kiss from you.

I left without a Goodbye hug from you.

I left without a proper Goodbye from you.

I left with a lonely heart and cold body..

On the bus, the journey seems to be extended..

It seems like it is taking forever to reach..

I am freezing on the bus..

Hugging myself hope it helps..

But it's useless..

My toes and nose and fingers are all numb because of the coldness..

Only you can make me feel warm..

Only your hug and help me get rid of all those numb..

Only your touch will make me feel that I am gonna be alright..

Helpless

I feel so cold and helpless..

I just need some respect from you,

I know you have your plans, I know you think for yourself.

I believe that you know what you are doing..

But all I want is you listen to me sometimes..

I just want to make myself useful to you..

I want to find a reason to stay by your side..

I remember those things you tell me during my exam period.

I remember how serious you are which change me totally..

I changed because I listen to you, I think about the things you told me..

I reflect and know what I had did is wrong..

because of you, I turn back in time..

Although it's late but better then never. Right?

No matter what results come out also doesn't matter, because I know I had did my very best..

All I want is to give you support during your last year.

I know this is a very important period to you just like during my O levels.

You were always by my side, although you scold me quite often because I want to see you badly.

But I know by enduring I can achieve more..

Because I believe that listen to you will never go wrong..

I become more mature after we get together..

All my friends and family sense a different in me, and there is when I know I can't live without you.

Because you are the support in my life, without you

it will be like a table without 4 legs and a human without a heart..

Without you I will not know what I really want and what I should do..

You pull me through all tough times..

You go through all those horrible things without leaving me,

although you wanted to leave me twice.

But I am grateful, because I manage to pull you back..

All I want is you stay by my side..

You are my energy, you are my life..

You are like the air around me, which I can't afford to lose..

You are the one I want to be with..

You are the one I want to spend my rest of my life with.

You might think that I think too far,

but to tell you I even think about marriage.. :)

You might have not think about it because you does not have the confident to last with me till that moment.

But I have faith in us,

I have faith in our relationship..

I believe that all those things we had gone through will make us stronger

will make us cherish each other even more..

Because I do..

That's why I start to tell you what I expect and what I does not want to see..

You might find it hard to get used to it.

But I believe, what I ask for is what I have been doing.

That is also the reason why I will ask for it, because I had did it..

I may still make mistake, but I have been trying my best to do things well

I had been trying hard to do what you expect to see..

So please, do something for me..

Make me feel that I am something to you.

Make me feel that I worth, those changes from you..

I always want you to change your attitude towards your family,

that is because I want your parents to think positive of me..

I want to show them that I can change you.

I want to show that we are so in love that our love can change each other..

You know what I mean?

That is my intention..

It is tough to face your parents with a smiley face because I will always get the same reaction..

You never know, and you will always say " just go ah. scared what?"

You does not know how much courage I have to take to look into their eyes and smile and say " Uncle, Auntie"

This two words cause my heart to stop for few seconds...

I hope you can understand me more, and know what I want..

I wish you will not give up and run away.

Because I did not give up and I stay strong at this position..

So don't get someone to replace me..

I love you; I really do ♥